Mindset Meerocles

I am just staying afloat; I'm neither feeling good nor bad.  I lack the simplest motivation to remain in this world or leave. All I am capable of doing right now is staying afloat.  Helpless is another feeling I have; realizing that I am a powerless creature makes me wonder if it's crazy to put in any effort in anything in life.  I've watched many friends and acquaintances get into that state (The state of not doing). And I could never grasp this concept, well, until now.  It stems from my naive belief that I can achieve anything.  However, realizing that the outcome isn't up to me was such a humbling truth. I've been reflecting recently on all my past mini projects and experiments, and the results, in most cases, fell short of what I had hoped for. I don't mean that all outcomes were bad, but I had no control over any of them, and they never really matched my vision. It's been me who just hung the results on my own doing (I put too much pressure on myself)...

Nothing is familiar anymore! When I look around, metaphorically or physically, nothing is familiar anymore. My city doesn't look like my city, and my countries (yes, both my countries) don't look the same anymore! I'm not trying to get political this time, even though I always believed politics is in everything, including the oxygen you breathe. But I am talking about this very safe feeling of "familiarity" that I didn't think you could lose! One day, I woke up and saw everything in a different light. I'm not exaggerating. Everything I used to be,  like, have, own, feel, think, see, and/or hear is all different. And, of course, my first thought is that I'm naturally losing my mind or I am going through my mid-life crisis! I'm not sure why they call it a crisis if going through it is making me love wearing color for the first time in my life! It could also be an overcompensation for my low physical energy! I don't know why, though, they called i...

  Life continues to teach me things every second if you look at things as deeply as I do.  One of the most annoying things (for me) is that things never happen when I expect them or need them the most ... and then I realize that they happen as soon as I give up.  Was this a coincidence or a pattern?  It was a pattern that kept happening repeatedly; for example, the job you wanted so badly only came when you gave up searching, so the joy of getting the job hits you differently!!  Imagine if we received everything we wanted and needed instantly!! I don't think my tiny brain can even imagine that! I would totally have a heart attack (Always dramatic) But the deep thinker that I am, I started watching the pattern, trying to understand why! I always like to ask why! because nothing is a coincidence... Everything's been calculated and couldn't or shouldn't be any other way, but I can't help but wonder! The appreciation that comes too late is useless, or that's what it...

For the last two years since my second divorce, I've been getting to know myself—truly spending days, mornings, nights, months, and almost two years getting to know myself! At 42 and 10 months … I can actually answer the stupidest question on earth, which is, "So, um, what can you tell me about yourself?" That follows with the sleaziest smile—ugh!  I am passionate and loud, have a fantastic laugh and charming smile, and am a beautiful woman. I am kind, generous, super anxious, intimidating (I'm still not sure how, when I am only 4" 9" and weigh about 105 lb), extremely sensitive, and seriously highly empathetic that it actually physically hurts depending on the situation. The point from all this self-ego stroking is that I am so darn amazing, no, no, that's my ADHD talking  (self-diagnosis) … anyways no, the point of this rant is that How on earth did I let myself go for a whole 40 years without genuinely auditing myself, my life, my people … I always wa...