AFLOAT.

I am just staying afloat; I'm neither feeling good nor bad. 

I lack the simplest motivation to remain in this world or leave. All I am capable of doing right now is staying afloat. 

Helpless is another feeling I have; realizing that I am a powerless creature makes me wonder if it's crazy to put in any effort in anything in life. 

I've watched many friends and acquaintances get into that state (The state of not doing). And I could never grasp this concept, well, until now. 

It stems from my naive belief that I can achieve anything. 

However, realizing that the outcome isn't up to me was such a humbling truth.

I've been reflecting recently on all my past mini projects and experiments, and the results, in most cases, fell short of what I had hoped for. I don't mean that all outcomes were bad, but I had no control over any of them, and they never really matched my vision.

It's been me who just hung the results on my own doing (I put too much pressure on myself)  

I asked myself a few reflective questions, hoping to gain a deeper understanding of my role in my success & journey. 

Q: Did I put in the required amount of effort? 

A: Yes, I put in more effort than I could handle; that was unsustainable sometimes.

Q: Was I consistent? 

A: Sometimes I was and sometimes I wasn't, but I know in every experience I had, I gave it my all, even if my all wasn't enough; I still did.

Q: Did the results meet my expectations? 

A: Absolutely F****N NOT. 

It wasn't any lack of effort or even consistency that was the problem. 

It was simply not the paths I was meant to take, or places I was not meant to be at, or people I was not meant to be with … Or things I was not meant to have.

Or the fact that everything comes with an expiration date.

I had always known that already. It's like a parrot repeating it, but never honestly sat with myself acknowledging that if it's not for me, it's not for me, and fully accepted the anxiety that comes with it.

And that's what I mean by staying afloat. 

Just like when we were kids and learned to stay afloat on a lake or river, I'll let the current take me to where I am meant to be. Sometimes, you need to open your eyes to ensure your safety, but beyond that, there's not much you can do. It's better to stay afloat than to swim aimlessly; it feels like I've been swimming for a while. My muscles are getting weak. Isn't it better to stay afloat than to swim half-heartedly?

I promise you this is not a depression; I've seen depression before.

But it is a new and profound awareness on my part that staying afloat is sometimes the only state one can be in.

I don't want to put any effort in, and I want to float. That's okay.

Love & Peace 

Meero