Mindset Meerocles

I am just staying afloat; I'm neither feeling good nor bad.  I lack the simplest motivation to remain in this world or leave. All I am capable of doing right now is staying afloat.  Helpless is another feeling I have; realizing that I am a powerless creature makes me wonder if it's crazy to put in any effort in anything in life.  I've watched many friends and acquaintances get into that state (The state of not doing). And I could never grasp this concept, well, until now.  It stems from my naive belief that I can achieve anything.  However, realizing that the outcome isn't up to me was such a humbling truth. I've been reflecting recently on all my past mini projects and experiments, and the results, in most cases, fell short of what I had hoped for. I don't mean that all outcomes were bad, but I had no control over any of them, and they never really matched my vision. It's been me who just hung the results on my own doing (I put too much pressure on myself)...

Nothing is familiar anymore! When I look around, metaphorically or physically, nothing is familiar anymore. My city doesn't look like my city, and my countries (yes, both my countries) don't look the same anymore! I'm not trying to get political this time, even though I always believed politics is in everything, including the oxygen you breathe. But I am talking about this very safe feeling of "familiarity" that I didn't think you could lose! One day, I woke up and saw everything in a different light. I'm not exaggerating. Everything I used to be,  like, have, own, feel, think, see, and/or hear is all different. And, of course, my first thought is that I'm naturally losing my mind or I am going through my mid-life crisis! I'm not sure why they call it a crisis if going through it is making me love wearing color for the first time in my life! It could also be an overcompensation for my low physical energy! I don't know why, though, they called i...

  I actually remember being a teen in the late '90s and having a similar thought—not the genderless part, but the idea of living without borders. Just going from one place to another, no restrictions, no governments, just pure freedom. Back then, I thought that’s what freedom meant—no laws, no control, just people running wild and doing whatever they wanted. It sounded nice. But now? Looking at the world as it is, I can’t help but think... letting this species run wild and free with no rules or identity? Yeah, I can already picture the Netflix horror movie. Freedom has always been my ultimate goal. Ever since I was a kid, I just wanted to do whatever I wanted, whenever I pleased. Maybe that constant craving for freedom shaped my decisions as a young adult. And even now, as a middle-aged woman, I can still say freedom is at the core of how I live. But my definition of it? That has changed drastically over the years. I’m not sure if it has come full circle yet, but it feels close. No...

  For the longest time, I always ran away from any negative emotions. I could never sit with any sadness, grief, or any sort of unhappiness. I usually find a distraction or two or even ten to escape these nasty feelings. I love to laugh, and it's healthy to have fun, laugh, and enjoy life, But only when you are genuinely content. I grew up to be very anxious about not being liked, misunderstood, or rejected, and never in my life had I decided to sit with these emotions until recently.  I had always practiced running away from feeling sad, and boy, Am I so good at creating the distraction I need most of the time.  But recently, I decided to stop resisting the anxiety, sadness, and or loneliness and learn to practice sitting with these emotions until I understand where it is coming from and why and how I can fix the root cause of this emotion (obviously down the road) otherwise it would be another way to escape feeling the feelings.   It is not an easy process, but it'...